Just over a year ago the Trowbridge Town Hall asked it as a group would we like to be involved in The Odyssey. A project run by the Public Acts and the National Theatre. I am not the sort of person to ask others to do things I am not willing or able to do. So, for me to ask I knew I had to be involved. I remember doing school plays and so following my own rule if you have done it once you can do it again.
So, I agree to take part and got at least 1 group member to take part. But there was also a very personal reason to do this, and it was so well. I wanted to meet other people and maybe find someone who knows fate might shine on me. But as someone with borderline I know how easy it is for me to attach myself to a person. So, I often found myself talking to people I found very interesting but, in many ways, didn’t know how to safely connect to them or come across as needy or wierd.
Luckily their where a few people I had encounter from our groups time at the town hall including the town hall staff who were very supportive as well as the support from Jessy, Flo, and all the staff from public acts and the National Theatre.
For me I need to apply a mask or persona to function around people, or have a defined role. But doing the Odyssey for the first week or two I could hide behind being Mark from Trowbridge Service Users Group. But after that I had nothing but the raw me and even, I don’t know who that truly is.
Their where times I could feel myself becoming different identities in many ways to stop people becoming close, at other times I felt isolated trapped behind an invisible wall of glass, where I could see and hear but no one could see me. Their where times when every sound hit me like broken glass, and I wanted to run away.
Every time I wanted to connect to a person the fear of rejection would stop me. So why did I continue well their where 2 main reasons: –
The first was perception: –
How would my group and new group members see me if I just gave up and gave in? I not given up yet and I am very aware that my life has more chance ending by suicide than old age. So, pushing the limits and keeping going just so I can say if I can do it so can you!
The second was very spiritual: –
As a pagan and a Hellenic priest of Hecate, the odyssey has one of the very few mentions of my goddess. And the stories of the Greek gods and goddess is a major interest to me. So, in many ways for me it was being part of a Greek myth and part of a story that will live beyond my days as the young ones that took part will remember the odyssey and me beyond my life.
Their where many nights and weekend rehearsals that I did in a dissociated state hopefully it didn’t show to much. But their where probably times when I was manic over excitable its very hard to say must be honest, I have very little knowledge of the process, that’s not saying I don’t remember the fun and games but most of my time was looking for people to follow.
This in some ways was a very borderline trait. But I was aware and using it my best interests. Along the way I kept my distance not wanting to attach myself to anyone, risk abandonment or rejection. I played the part of homosexual, ex con, on drugs which is true on the surface at best at worse I was the bitchy evil queen.
But after all the hard work we came to the weekend of performance, and I knew who I was. I was the part of a group, and I didn’t want to give that up and yes, I am finding it hard.
But I am staying in contact with the cast and I wanting to meet up because I know social interaction improve a person’s life and there are aspects of my life that need a little something or someone.
To help Trowbridge Service User Group Donate Here https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/trowbridgeserviceusersgroup
Postal Address
