I am no better or worse at living with a mental illness than anyone else. I’ve done all the therapy available, I’ve told my story so many times that it has no effect on me, I’ve weaved baskets, attended courses and I am learning mindfulness and applying it daily, I self sooth have daily task and still I am fighting.
But with all the progress and skills learnt I still have the odd bad day and on occasion long periods of instability often requiring medication. I am very aware when I am unwell which make it so much worse.
During periods of unwellness its like my self is split in two; one part is numb, locked in the stillness of depression watching hope, desire and will die and the other is like Vulcan cheerleader pointing out without feeling what I should be doing and what I am failing to do.
Even though there are bad times when I must put on the mask and pretend everything is ok. I am not ashamed of my Borderline Personality Disorder or having a mental illness. In fact, having a diagnosis has been very freeing and insightful.
I no longer look for a cure and I have not given up, through acceptance and mindfulness I now am aware of my limitations and know what prevents me from having a different life one on the surface looks like “normality”.
I push myself to face my fears and little by little I learned that somethings will always remain the same that does not mean you should give up and stop trying. Although somethings don’t change what does change is how I react to things.
Mindfulness is being used more and more in therapy and I can say that it is a very useful tool but not every person teaching it is good at, or even is committed to the idea of mindfulness. So if you have difficulties getting on with mindfulness keep trying and look for different teachers. Try YouTube for mindfulness meditation then look for free courses and books.
Once you get a toe hold on the practice of mindfulness you will start to see how your life can improve and you will want to keep practicing.
Here are some good starting points
De-Mystifying Mindfulness by Universiteit Leiden FREE COURSE
Tibetan Buddhist Meditation and the Modern World: Lesser Vehicle by University of Virginia FREE COURSE
Mindfulness for everyday people: EVERYDAY MINDFULNESS IN PRACTICE: Simple and practical ways for everyday mindfulness Kindle Edition FREE
Mindfulness: 25 Life-Changing Mindfulness Techniques – The Beginners Mindfulness Guide to Live in the Moment, Forget Anxiety and Stress, and Bring Peace meditation, mindfulness for anxiety Kindle Edition FREE