When dealing with my mental health I must work out what is real and what is not. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder I try to balance logic over emotion. I do try sometimes with great difficulty.
At the start of this Covid 19 pandemic, I was asked to shield by the Government for my safety, logic dictated I was safe alone in my home. But after 12 week I got a text from the government telling me I did not need to shield any more.
Feeling abandon by the government and becoming very distrustful of their motive to the country, I know must work out what is the best for my safety. At this stage, my mental health has begun to fray at the edges.
With no support network I reach out and seeked help, I got to vocalise how I feel and helps me better for a little while.
Day by day the drip, drip of the news the latest information, social media views and counter views and I question why things are changing so quickly when nothing seems to have change to give reason for this very fast unlock.
The suddenly, bang the world goes bang and a change starts. The murder of George Flloyd in the USA ignite protest for Change Black lives matter demonstration take place around the world nearly all peaceful.
Now we all seen what happened, I not going to go over the news. But the hate from the far-right effected me and I lost control of my emotions and at that point I don’t care the black and white thinking take over those people are wrong and should be stopped.
You can see the hate spreading in posts in social media, misdirecting the facts to create a narrative of disharmony. Its almost like its infecting my body covering me in sticky gunk that must stop moving. At this stage I want to scream stop and the people you think are kind and good people start sharing the hate.
I begin to drown in wave after wave of emotion, knowing that I can’t handle the pain and fear that’s running through my head, and like a wounded animal I strike out. My words become pointed like weapons and a war ensues.
The war is I must stop the pain. The source of the pain is basically I think humans for the most part are good but when that ugly hate raises it always has the same face for me… my own face, fat bald, white and tattooed.
This hate look like me, I get scared because I may look like a walking picture of a racist, the one thing I am not. I get paranoid will people just look at me and see bigot, thug I feel that I am not safe because the way I look, could I be attacked because of the way I look.
I feel the suffering of other so deeply and stand with anyone victimised, abused because I know what its like to be treated as less.
And no one should feel less because once you repeated told you are less, you start to believe you should be treat like rubbish and for me that just revives all the time I was treated as less. And the cycle of pain and fear returns as I try to justify my feeling.
The mist descends and I vanish, and Mr Ranty come to the surface and all the work I have done to maintains my mental health vanishes. Control is lost psychosis takes over.
Control is regained and the psychosis ebbs away the fear and paranoia sets in depression settles like dust on the surface getting thicker by the moment and you check what you said, posted.
You wonder if any one will ever talk to you again you want to run away but you know you need to explain you need to let them know it because of my mental illness that causes me to react the way I do.
But you can’ reach out because you fear that feeling you’ve been abandoned could be real
If you are having difficulties at this present time
Please reach out and seek help…
Call the Samaritans
116 123 free from any phone
0330 094 5717 local call charges apply
Use the NHS 111 online service, or call 111. You may be able to speak to a nurse, or mental health nurse, over the phone. A GP can advise you about helpful treatments and also help you access mental health services. You may be able to refer yourself to some services.
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